SOLD!

News from the front: the contingency was officially removed this morning at 11am. When the Lord opens a window, sometimes he opens it WIDE. We'll close July 24th.

"What Now?"

(A Peek at My Prayer Journal)

June 4, 2009 10:04 p.m.

I have to understand that my longing for the complete and the perfect is not a bad longing, but just ultimately not satisfyable this side of death. The inbox won't be empty, I will never be able to sustain a perfect balance, and I can never clean my kitchen "once and for all."

I worked hard today--and it was a pretty good day. But I realized that my desire to achieve perfection here--in my house, in my body, even in my relationships--ultimately leaves me cold.

It's like how I wanted the college scholarship so badly--and I got it--and yet it gave me no lasting joy and plenty of heartache. 1st team All-State? I remember how surprised i was at how empty the laurels felt. I had placed my hope in achieving great things in volleyball, and I did, but even in my highest achievement there was always the aching question: "So what now?"

Now I am beginning to see how I still, more subtly, place my hopes in my achievements in this stage of my life: a well-regulated day, a clean home, good meals, healthy meals, consistent parenting, and yet I know that if, and/or when, I achieve any of it, I will only be left with that burning question: "So what now?"

When that question assaults me, I usually undo my hard work--translating the "So What Now?" into "So What?" Regressing, binging on food, yes, even drinking too much, I end up losing the ground I have gained. Like Sysiphus and the rock, I find myself at the bottom and with no other way to quench the burning hunger for fulfillment, I again put my hopes in the climb upwards.

That eternal "so what next?" belies a deeper and more painful question: "What's the point?" And while I may subconsciously wrestle with that, I feel I must not even entertain it--because finding none, I may cease to try anything at all and abandon my long and short term hopes into meaninglessness and despair.

But NOW, before the rock again rolls down the hill and I plunge again into the pit with it, I feel I must entertain the question: "What now?"

"What now?" This perpetual question. The symptom of the impermanence of our joy and achievement on earth. The need for fulfillment is perpetual in this life. I can never satisfy it. Sure, I can try to fill that need with short-term, fleeting pleasures, stringing them one after another. But the hole, the emptiness remains.

Lord, help me...

June 11, 2009 9:45 p.m.

Perhaps in some ways, I don't want my accumulated efforts to disappear into the past. I want my work to be eternal and satisfying. This crushing burden I have laid upon my shoulders is to achieve fulfillment in my minor and worldly hopes. As good as they may be, they are temporal and cannont bear the weight of eternity. Nothing that I do can.

Praised be Jesus Christ, who accomplished all things. Because He is eternal, and because He made me for eternity, I have a deep longing for eternal satisfaction. But in placing my hopes in my own accomplishments and in worldly blessings ("I'll be happy when...the house sells, I'm back in my old jeans, we're all on a good schedule, I'm on better terms with so-&-so"), I am missing the POINT, and sabotaging my own search for happiness in the Christian life!

I am not made for my own eternal accomplishments, but for membership in the Body of Christ. Sharing in His accomplishments, and giving my mite (Mk 12:42) each day in service of Him, I make my life a living sacrifice, and ignoring the accolades and realizing that I can do nothing apart from Christ, and if I accomplish anything, it is only through Him!

So, unlike poor Sysiphus whose rock rolled back to the bottom of the hill each day, I must understand that it is no rock I carry for eternity, but my daily cross!--Nay, He and I carry it together. He promised "My yoke is easy and my burden, light" Matthew 11:30. I need not bear the weight of eternity, but only of this moment. I need not be concerned with a daily routine to last the whole year long, but with today's work. TODAY, I must take up my cross and follow him.

Mother Theresa once said, "God does not ask us to be successful; He asks us to be faithful." My true and lasting hope is that I may remain faithful (Revelation 2:10). God, give me the grace to remain with you on the Vine. (John 15:4)

And thank you for taking the burden of eternity from me, accomplishing all things, and giving me a share, an inheritance, the gift of Eternal, abundant Life. How can I respond with anything less than my all?

God's Will, Revealed

So, two and a half years ago, we decided to sell our house. We knew that Matt wasn't happy at his job, and we also knew we needed some $$ for him to feel free enough to resign. Our house sold in 3 weeks. We had 60 days to decide where to go.

We settled on a 3 bedroom duplex straight out of the 70s. Then Leah was born. Then we decided that in order for Matt to know if he wanted to be a builder when he grows up, he should build a house and see if he likes it. So we did.

So then the question became: What now? We continued to save $$, trying to get that 6 month security net ready. 8 months later, and approximately 2 days after securing the 6 month saftey net we were aiming for, Matt's employer forced his hand and laid off the whole design center. A week later, the "for sale" sign went up in the snowbank.

Waiting and waiting, while Matt found odd jobs here and there, we still did not know where to go or what to do, but we had our "daily bread" and we were making ends meet. At the beginning of April, some puzzle pieces appeared to be falling into place: Bob the builder, who helped us build our house so that it wouldn't fall down in a strong breeze or leak at the seams, met with us and laid out a plan for Matt to go into business with him: building and general construction work.

The same week, I discovered an opening at our church. I met with our pastor and talked about my vision for our faith formation/religious education program, and the role that I could take in a part-time position as a Director with a part-time assistant. He seemed very receptive. He began to take steps to get the idea approved, including interviewing several other people who applied for the position. My job, again, was to wait and see.

So exactly 2 months went by, and the "plan" that we thought we could finally see again became obscured by the difficulties of waiting patiently.

Well, yesterday, the clouds parted. I was offered the job at our church, and I am just thrilled. My lovely assistant, Liz, and I will be working hard to make the Good Shepherd catechists and children a supportive and well-prepared environment to work in. I hope to attend a conference in July to help me get my ducks in a row about how to do all of the DRE stuff. I have to say that 2 months to the day (from Holy Thursday), and being day 9 of a novena to St. Joseph, and being our 8th anniversary, it was a day of gifts.

I had prayed that the Lord God would close the doors that need closing, and open the ones that lead to HIM. I pray that we will always follow HIS Will, and not ours. I pray that Matt will never again have to sit through a weekly "team meeting" and will find work that serves the Lord and is worthy of his effort and passion. Let it be done unto us according to your Will, Lord. You are so good to us.

Works for me!!

I think I will try to post "Works for me" posts every now and again, because I find them so helpful in other blogs. This week, I want to focus on a nice little idea I picked up from my sister, who picked it up from Sadie, at wildcatkids (also a friend of mine!) The idea is to get your children to get into a morning and evening routine without a whole lot of teeth-pulling difficulty and without getting too complicated thus sharing the same fate as the stickers, chore charts, and stars accumulation cards, and other such phenomena that started with a blaze of glory but ended all too quickly.
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So the girls helped me make up these little popsicle sticks with blue, green, and red tips (one color for each big girl). On each stick, I wrote one job that they need to do before getting started with our day and before going to bed at night. Here are Emma's: Once the popsicle sticks are all finished, the girls will put them colored tip UP in the glass, and then they are free to do other things (like color or go outside in the morning, or play a game of hide and seek with Mommy and Daddy at night).


I am beginning to add other jobs to the list.. Like "change loads" (of laundry) and "ez-vac the kitchen." They let me know the jobs they hate (like tidying the basement) and sometimes I give all of them the same job so that they can work together. Sometimes I'll give them "tidying the basement" and it will be mostly done and they'll get the satisfaction of last night's effort (and realize that they can stop making work for themselves if they just keep it clean!)

I would say that it's been about a year since I started this. It has phased in and out a few times, but is very simple to start up again (even when we slack off for a while).. I drew pictures on them so that the 3 year old can "read" her own. It makes for a much smoother morning, that's for sure.

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Of all the child-rearing tricks of the trade I have picked up, this one is the clear winner:

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It is child-led (because they can figure out on their own what they are to do).

It is NOT consumable (I've used the same sticks for a year).

It is NOT complicated (the hardest part was BUYING the sticks).

It is Flexible (I can change jobs whenever I want--no body gets "cleaning out the dishwasher" if it is dirty! And I can make new sticks for Leah when she's a bit bigger!)

It is NOT subjective--or at least it's harder for the child to see that it is (if the jobs are done and the colored sticks are up, you can play! It's hard for a child to have a power struggle with wooden sticks, though they may try).

It is CHEAP!

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So that's what works for me. What works for you?

Oh, I am so excited!!

I found a new blog that I just love. But first a little background. I have been spending my time lately trying to figure out how I should be spending my time. I mean, I've probably got less than 60 years left, and there are some things that I hope to have figured out by the time I check out.

One of them is "Why should I WANT to get up in the morning?" I have been struggling with that one since I turned 11. I made a deal with myself lately that 7am is MY wake up time, but I almost need to hire someone to pull me out of bed (like George Jetson) and get me going in the morning.

Another one is: How can I keep my duties as a mom, as a woman, as a volunteer, as a wife from overwhelming me? This one hit me after the thousandth marathon cleaning session that left me exhausted (and led to me taking a long break that resulted in a messy house again). Flylady.net has helped me a lot with this, but it is sometimes so hard to WANT to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not just veg out.

And the last one, loosly related to the other two: What should I be doing with my life each day? Or, since I am a MOM: What should I be doing with our lives each day? I think that perhaps my sleep addiction and even my (sometimes) chaotic life lies underneath that search for the "shoulds" and "why should 'I's" of my life.

Well, sometimes when I am really needing an answer, I ask my friend Google. This was what I got:

http://momandkiddo.blogspot.com/

subtitle: What do we do all day?

Funny thing: I noticed that this weekend I found no trouble getting out of bed after 5-1/2 hours of sleep because I had something "urgent" to do. I think that the trouble is that I need a wake up call to make me realize that this day-in, day-out, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other life that I lead is important, too...

I can take a deep breath and not worry too much because I can't ruin the girls with a bad day here or there, BUT I can't make them turn out fantastic with a wonderful day here or there, either. It's the general attitude, the daily grind, that determines my life and my character, not the super high or super low points.

That's why I like that blog (and the blogs of people I know, too)... it's simply life. I guess that's what I am searching and praying for... Abundant life, everyday.. Not just roller coaster highs and lows, but a sustained peace, joy, and fruitfulness.

It may take me 60 good years to figure that out...