"What Now?"

(A Peek at My Prayer Journal)

June 4, 2009 10:04 p.m.

I have to understand that my longing for the complete and the perfect is not a bad longing, but just ultimately not satisfyable this side of death. The inbox won't be empty, I will never be able to sustain a perfect balance, and I can never clean my kitchen "once and for all."

I worked hard today--and it was a pretty good day. But I realized that my desire to achieve perfection here--in my house, in my body, even in my relationships--ultimately leaves me cold.

It's like how I wanted the college scholarship so badly--and I got it--and yet it gave me no lasting joy and plenty of heartache. 1st team All-State? I remember how surprised i was at how empty the laurels felt. I had placed my hope in achieving great things in volleyball, and I did, but even in my highest achievement there was always the aching question: "So what now?"

Now I am beginning to see how I still, more subtly, place my hopes in my achievements in this stage of my life: a well-regulated day, a clean home, good meals, healthy meals, consistent parenting, and yet I know that if, and/or when, I achieve any of it, I will only be left with that burning question: "So what now?"

When that question assaults me, I usually undo my hard work--translating the "So What Now?" into "So What?" Regressing, binging on food, yes, even drinking too much, I end up losing the ground I have gained. Like Sysiphus and the rock, I find myself at the bottom and with no other way to quench the burning hunger for fulfillment, I again put my hopes in the climb upwards.

That eternal "so what next?" belies a deeper and more painful question: "What's the point?" And while I may subconsciously wrestle with that, I feel I must not even entertain it--because finding none, I may cease to try anything at all and abandon my long and short term hopes into meaninglessness and despair.

But NOW, before the rock again rolls down the hill and I plunge again into the pit with it, I feel I must entertain the question: "What now?"

"What now?" This perpetual question. The symptom of the impermanence of our joy and achievement on earth. The need for fulfillment is perpetual in this life. I can never satisfy it. Sure, I can try to fill that need with short-term, fleeting pleasures, stringing them one after another. But the hole, the emptiness remains.

Lord, help me...

June 11, 2009 9:45 p.m.

Perhaps in some ways, I don't want my accumulated efforts to disappear into the past. I want my work to be eternal and satisfying. This crushing burden I have laid upon my shoulders is to achieve fulfillment in my minor and worldly hopes. As good as they may be, they are temporal and cannont bear the weight of eternity. Nothing that I do can.

Praised be Jesus Christ, who accomplished all things. Because He is eternal, and because He made me for eternity, I have a deep longing for eternal satisfaction. But in placing my hopes in my own accomplishments and in worldly blessings ("I'll be happy when...the house sells, I'm back in my old jeans, we're all on a good schedule, I'm on better terms with so-&-so"), I am missing the POINT, and sabotaging my own search for happiness in the Christian life!

I am not made for my own eternal accomplishments, but for membership in the Body of Christ. Sharing in His accomplishments, and giving my mite (Mk 12:42) each day in service of Him, I make my life a living sacrifice, and ignoring the accolades and realizing that I can do nothing apart from Christ, and if I accomplish anything, it is only through Him!

So, unlike poor Sysiphus whose rock rolled back to the bottom of the hill each day, I must understand that it is no rock I carry for eternity, but my daily cross!--Nay, He and I carry it together. He promised "My yoke is easy and my burden, light" Matthew 11:30. I need not bear the weight of eternity, but only of this moment. I need not be concerned with a daily routine to last the whole year long, but with today's work. TODAY, I must take up my cross and follow him.

Mother Theresa once said, "God does not ask us to be successful; He asks us to be faithful." My true and lasting hope is that I may remain faithful (Revelation 2:10). God, give me the grace to remain with you on the Vine. (John 15:4)

And thank you for taking the burden of eternity from me, accomplishing all things, and giving me a share, an inheritance, the gift of Eternal, abundant Life. How can I respond with anything less than my all?

God's Will, Revealed

So, two and a half years ago, we decided to sell our house. We knew that Matt wasn't happy at his job, and we also knew we needed some $$ for him to feel free enough to resign. Our house sold in 3 weeks. We had 60 days to decide where to go.

We settled on a 3 bedroom duplex straight out of the 70s. Then Leah was born. Then we decided that in order for Matt to know if he wanted to be a builder when he grows up, he should build a house and see if he likes it. So we did.

So then the question became: What now? We continued to save $$, trying to get that 6 month security net ready. 8 months later, and approximately 2 days after securing the 6 month saftey net we were aiming for, Matt's employer forced his hand and laid off the whole design center. A week later, the "for sale" sign went up in the snowbank.

Waiting and waiting, while Matt found odd jobs here and there, we still did not know where to go or what to do, but we had our "daily bread" and we were making ends meet. At the beginning of April, some puzzle pieces appeared to be falling into place: Bob the builder, who helped us build our house so that it wouldn't fall down in a strong breeze or leak at the seams, met with us and laid out a plan for Matt to go into business with him: building and general construction work.

The same week, I discovered an opening at our church. I met with our pastor and talked about my vision for our faith formation/religious education program, and the role that I could take in a part-time position as a Director with a part-time assistant. He seemed very receptive. He began to take steps to get the idea approved, including interviewing several other people who applied for the position. My job, again, was to wait and see.

So exactly 2 months went by, and the "plan" that we thought we could finally see again became obscured by the difficulties of waiting patiently.

Well, yesterday, the clouds parted. I was offered the job at our church, and I am just thrilled. My lovely assistant, Liz, and I will be working hard to make the Good Shepherd catechists and children a supportive and well-prepared environment to work in. I hope to attend a conference in July to help me get my ducks in a row about how to do all of the DRE stuff. I have to say that 2 months to the day (from Holy Thursday), and being day 9 of a novena to St. Joseph, and being our 8th anniversary, it was a day of gifts.

I had prayed that the Lord God would close the doors that need closing, and open the ones that lead to HIM. I pray that we will always follow HIS Will, and not ours. I pray that Matt will never again have to sit through a weekly "team meeting" and will find work that serves the Lord and is worthy of his effort and passion. Let it be done unto us according to your Will, Lord. You are so good to us.

Works for me!!

I think I will try to post "Works for me" posts every now and again, because I find them so helpful in other blogs. This week, I want to focus on a nice little idea I picked up from my sister, who picked it up from Sadie, at wildcatkids (also a friend of mine!) The idea is to get your children to get into a morning and evening routine without a whole lot of teeth-pulling difficulty and without getting too complicated thus sharing the same fate as the stickers, chore charts, and stars accumulation cards, and other such phenomena that started with a blaze of glory but ended all too quickly.
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So the girls helped me make up these little popsicle sticks with blue, green, and red tips (one color for each big girl). On each stick, I wrote one job that they need to do before getting started with our day and before going to bed at night. Here are Emma's: Once the popsicle sticks are all finished, the girls will put them colored tip UP in the glass, and then they are free to do other things (like color or go outside in the morning, or play a game of hide and seek with Mommy and Daddy at night).


I am beginning to add other jobs to the list.. Like "change loads" (of laundry) and "ez-vac the kitchen." They let me know the jobs they hate (like tidying the basement) and sometimes I give all of them the same job so that they can work together. Sometimes I'll give them "tidying the basement" and it will be mostly done and they'll get the satisfaction of last night's effort (and realize that they can stop making work for themselves if they just keep it clean!)

I would say that it's been about a year since I started this. It has phased in and out a few times, but is very simple to start up again (even when we slack off for a while).. I drew pictures on them so that the 3 year old can "read" her own. It makes for a much smoother morning, that's for sure.

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Of all the child-rearing tricks of the trade I have picked up, this one is the clear winner:

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It is child-led (because they can figure out on their own what they are to do).

It is NOT consumable (I've used the same sticks for a year).

It is NOT complicated (the hardest part was BUYING the sticks).

It is Flexible (I can change jobs whenever I want--no body gets "cleaning out the dishwasher" if it is dirty! And I can make new sticks for Leah when she's a bit bigger!)

It is NOT subjective--or at least it's harder for the child to see that it is (if the jobs are done and the colored sticks are up, you can play! It's hard for a child to have a power struggle with wooden sticks, though they may try).

It is CHEAP!

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So that's what works for me. What works for you?

Oh, I am so excited!!

I found a new blog that I just love. But first a little background. I have been spending my time lately trying to figure out how I should be spending my time. I mean, I've probably got less than 60 years left, and there are some things that I hope to have figured out by the time I check out.

One of them is "Why should I WANT to get up in the morning?" I have been struggling with that one since I turned 11. I made a deal with myself lately that 7am is MY wake up time, but I almost need to hire someone to pull me out of bed (like George Jetson) and get me going in the morning.

Another one is: How can I keep my duties as a mom, as a woman, as a volunteer, as a wife from overwhelming me? This one hit me after the thousandth marathon cleaning session that left me exhausted (and led to me taking a long break that resulted in a messy house again). Flylady.net has helped me a lot with this, but it is sometimes so hard to WANT to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not just veg out.

And the last one, loosly related to the other two: What should I be doing with my life each day? Or, since I am a MOM: What should I be doing with our lives each day? I think that perhaps my sleep addiction and even my (sometimes) chaotic life lies underneath that search for the "shoulds" and "why should 'I's" of my life.

Well, sometimes when I am really needing an answer, I ask my friend Google. This was what I got:

http://momandkiddo.blogspot.com/

subtitle: What do we do all day?

Funny thing: I noticed that this weekend I found no trouble getting out of bed after 5-1/2 hours of sleep because I had something "urgent" to do. I think that the trouble is that I need a wake up call to make me realize that this day-in, day-out, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other life that I lead is important, too...

I can take a deep breath and not worry too much because I can't ruin the girls with a bad day here or there, BUT I can't make them turn out fantastic with a wonderful day here or there, either. It's the general attitude, the daily grind, that determines my life and my character, not the super high or super low points.

That's why I like that blog (and the blogs of people I know, too)... it's simply life. I guess that's what I am searching and praying for... Abundant life, everyday.. Not just roller coaster highs and lows, but a sustained peace, joy, and fruitfulness.

It may take me 60 good years to figure that out...

For Baby Deborah...

and all of those who were never given a name...

This memorial was at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament in Hanceville, Alabama.

Storyboarding and Bursting Bubbles

So we've been watching the Prince of Egypt like mad here at our house.. Bethany has been inspired by the movie to do another marathon art session. In her last one, she depicted the Stations of the Cross and some scenes from the Moses story. Now, after taking several still pictures of the movie with my camera phone yesterday, she spent last night and most of today (it's almost 2pm) storyboarding the movie (that's what I call it). She has made up some scenes that she thought should have been included. She's up past 30 drawings now.

This one (of course the computer was being so smart thinking it should be a portrait), was of Moses' mother when she was putting him in the basket at the river.


This was when the queen (though Beps knows it was the princess in real life) found Moses. The background (not pictured) has Ramses frowning and the nurses with surprised looks on their faces. Ramses had dropped a flower.

Our little artist in her corner. Next to her is the little art caddy I set up at the advice of my friend and supervising teacher: Give the child material to work with!

This is a made up scene with Pharoah (he always has his scepter/staff) thinking about how he felt about Moses. In one, the queen is bringing Moses to him and he is happy, and in one he is angry. Bethany said that he is changing his mind about how he feels about Moses.

I could tell Bethany that it's a very long shot to being a professional artist or animator, and that she should really buckle down and do more practical things (like math), but that isn't the way we burst bubbles at our house...

Make Me

***I had my first speaking event last Thursday, and I've spent a lot of time in the past month preparing for it. Sorry, but I used my good blog ideas for the speech so I couldn't give away my whole speech to you, my 5 devoted readers.. That said, the speaking event went very well and my speech turned out well enough to be reproduced here! Here it is, my talk entitled: MAKE ME.***
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"So, when I told my husband that I was going to be speaking to you all and needed to fill up 15 minutes, I asked him if he had any ideas. He suggested 5-10 minutes of silent reflection. I was surprised he didn't say that I should just hold a phone up to my ear, as that seems to keep me talking forever. Then I realized that with all the time I spend talking to my friends, sisters, and mom who are here tonight, I decided I just better get to the point.
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My name is Mandie D. I have 4 daughters. I just turned 30 a couple of weeks ago. I would say thinking about God stuff as it relates to our daily lives has been a hobby of mine for some time, but only recently at the request of my darling husband have I started to write it down, so I started a blog. When my mother called me to ask me to speak to you all, I already had a blog idea percolating in my head, so I knew what I wanted to talk about. I mean, I am speaking at a mother’s evening, to a room full of women who are bringing their daughters to a wine and cheese. Even if I add all of my children’s ages together, I only get 15 mothering years… Compare that to my own mother’s 131 years, I figured that I wasn’t all that qualified to just talk about motherhood here.. So instead I’m going to talk about Firemen and Monks. And although I have no experience being a fireman OR a monk, I figure none of you do either! (I promise I will make a connection to motherhood!)
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When it comes Firemen. I do have some experience. I mean, I have watched the movie Backdraft and the new one that ‘s called Fireproof. I don’t remember much about Backdraft, but Fireproof was one of those movies that has stuck in my head ever since I watched it.
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For those of you who haven’t seen it, it was a very good movie. Supposedly it was all about the marriage relationship of two people, but deep down, I think it was mostly about Caleb, the main character, struggling, like we all do, with some major flaws in himself. While Caleb was an excellent fire captain, making sure his crews were ready and prepared and responding immediately and with bravery when the alarm sounded, MAN, he was lousy when there was no “bell” in his life.
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The man couldn’t do the dishes, get groceries, sweep the floor, and he resented every request that his wife and his duty as a husband made of him. See, a fireman usually works in 1 day on, 2 days off shifts, and while he had achieved great discipline during his 24-hour shift, he was super-selfish and downright sinful with his 48 hours off. I don’t know anywhere that 33% is a passing grade... So why the big difference?
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In the realm of firefighting, Caleb had to be ready to get up and go as soon as the bell sounded. While a fireman knew that answering the call of duty may be dangerous and difficult, he also knew that NOT answering the call would be far worse. The truck must always be ready, you can’t waste time, because someone’s life could be at stake. It was urgent, it was understood. This was his duty as a fireman. But when he was at home, away from the great discipline of the bell, his life was a mess.
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Now towards the end of the movie, Caleb seemed to be getting the other 66% of his life in order, and we saw a great sequence with him doing his duty in the fire station. In that scene, Caleb was coming back from a long day fighting fires and he was obviously tired, he had taken his helmet and jacket off when the alarm went off again. There was not even a second of hesitation. He pulled his suspender over his shoulder and off he went again.
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For some reason, for Caleb, as well as in my own life, it is difficult to treat our daily duties with the same determination and energy that the fireman does. When I smell the diaper, I do that thing where I pretend that my nose isn't working (while my husband pretends the same thing) and we wait until one of us "breaks." When children are fighting, I get angry because it means my phone call is interrupted. When a child talks back to me and stomps away, I consider whether I could let them get away with it just to save me the time and hassle of following through. There has been more than one morning in which I held the covers over my head and tried to direct a 3 year old as to where she could get her own cereal and milk. For a fireman, there is no question. Whether they were sweeping the floor, sleeping in bed, prepping the truck, or playing cards, they jump up with determination in their faces that they are going to do their duty. We need a discipline outside of ourselves to do the work that makes us holy. Left to ourselves, well.. it isn’t pretty.
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That fire fighting scene changed my life. I knew that I wanted that kind of dedication in my life, and that kind of attitude toward my duty.
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It kind of reminded me of an article I had read a couple of years prior. I was in one of the darkest mommy moments in my life. The constant NEED of 3 small children, and pressures of my life, looking at the state of my soul and wondering if perhaps I should have become a hermit instead of a mommy and wife..
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About this time, a friend sent me an article about monks. Actually it was about a hermit named Carlo Carretti. He had spent over 10 years in the desert living on goat's milk, translating the bible into Bedouin, praying in his own perpetual adoration to the Blessed Sacrament.. Super hard-core, holy guy. Interestingly, when he returned to Italy to visit his family, he found his mother to be more contemplative than he was.
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Carretto was a smart enough guy to realize that HIS time in the desert had not been wasted, but that his mother had also done something amazing with HER time. She used her 30 years of mothering to develop holiness in her life…living in her own kind of desert and her own kind of monastery.
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So a mom’s life is like a monastery? I had a little trouble seeing how my life had any resemblance to the monastic. I mean, if we look at the life of a monk (especially a hermit!) it can be kind of hard to see how a man who gives up everything for a life of poverty, spends most of his time in silence, alone, and praying, can be much like me. I mean, I don’t get 5 minutes in the bathroom without fingers under the door. In fact, I think if I were Carretto’s mother, I would have been begging for some time alone, with or without the goat. My picture of a monk was someone who got to pray when they wanted, eat what and when they wanted, sleep without crying babies waking them up, and never again having to worry about what to wear to an “Evening for Mothers” for example, I’d have my simple black dress for every occasion!
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But you know what? Monks don’t get to do what they want, when they want. Sure they might have tried it for a while, but the great monastic fathers, including St. Bernard who was declared a doctor of the church, were great advocates of the discipline of the monastic bell. This bell would tell the monks when it was time to wake, eat, pray, work, play, & sleep.
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Bernard didn’t believe that doing what you want when you want was how holiness was to be found. While these men gave up everything they owned to become monks, St. Bernard and St. Benedict, and monastic fathers throughout history have asked for more: they asked the monk to relinquish control of his time.
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Now while Caretto’s mother did not have a monastic bell telling her what to do, she was constantly answering the needs of her family, from preparing meals, to cleaning messes, to holding babies, to kissing owies… Those were her bells.
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The only thing is, for me, 2 years ago, in that darkest of mommy moments when I reflected on the 5-1/2 years straight that I had been pregnant or nursing, I realized that I didn’t want to answer the bell anymore. I’d fallen into a deep resentment of the duties of my vocation. Those same duties of motherhood that made Carretto’s mother so holy, well, they had me looking less like a monk and more like oh, I don’t know... the Incredible Hulk.
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Whether I liked it or not, I had to admit that the Incredible Hulk did not have a very probable likelihood of raising happy, faithful, and loving children. If I wanted my children, my husband, my family, and ME to be the people God created us to be, I had figure out how to let these bells make me holy.
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By nature we don’t seek the best thing, not even the thing that will make us happiest, but usually whatever thing gives us the most pleasure at that moment. And although I secretly insist to myself that if only I had it MY way, things would be so much better, I know deep down that these bells are not an obstacle to my holiness, but perhaps the very means by which God is perfecting me.
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Left to myself I would be lazier and crankier, and Incredible Hulkier. Somehow I NEED those interruptions and those inconveniences to teach me the virtues that I lack. I just need to tune my ears like Carretto’s mother did to hear in the simple duties of my life the ringing of the call to duty: the monastic bell, calling me to remember that it is God’s time, not mine. And like Captain Caleb Holt I need to approach my whole life with the fireman’s discipline, ready to serve when I am called, putting on not a protective suit, but the full armor of God to preserve me from resentment and sluggish responses to God’s signified will in my life. A fireman never goes into a fire without his suit or he will get burned, and we must remember that if we spend too much time answering our “fire calls” without putting on the armor of God, we too will face mommy burnout.

(This is where I donned the fireman's helmet and opened my Bible.)

“Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power.
Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens.

Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace.

In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all (the) flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and supplication, pray at every opportunity in the Spirit.” Ephesians 6:10-13 or 18

So, my ladies, we may not hear the monastic bell or a fire alarm pointing out to us what God wants for our lives, But we can learn to pay attention to the different sounds of the bells in our lives. Maybe it sounds like the baby crying, or the 4 year old. Maybe it will sounds more like your fancy dish shattering on the floor, or perhaps the bell will be completely silent and sad, or very wet with tears. It could even sound like the Iowa Fight Song, at least that’s what my mom hears when one of us calls her cell phone. Regardless of the sound (or smell) of the bell, we must choose to allow it to make us holy by offering God our willingness to have Him make us who HE made us to be. Our prayer must everyday be: I know that I can’t (and won’t) do it myself, so go ahead Lord, Make me… holy."
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