"What Now?"

(A Peek at My Prayer Journal)

June 4, 2009 10:04 p.m.

I have to understand that my longing for the complete and the perfect is not a bad longing, but just ultimately not satisfyable this side of death. The inbox won't be empty, I will never be able to sustain a perfect balance, and I can never clean my kitchen "once and for all."

I worked hard today--and it was a pretty good day. But I realized that my desire to achieve perfection here--in my house, in my body, even in my relationships--ultimately leaves me cold.

It's like how I wanted the college scholarship so badly--and I got it--and yet it gave me no lasting joy and plenty of heartache. 1st team All-State? I remember how surprised i was at how empty the laurels felt. I had placed my hope in achieving great things in volleyball, and I did, but even in my highest achievement there was always the aching question: "So what now?"

Now I am beginning to see how I still, more subtly, place my hopes in my achievements in this stage of my life: a well-regulated day, a clean home, good meals, healthy meals, consistent parenting, and yet I know that if, and/or when, I achieve any of it, I will only be left with that burning question: "So what now?"

When that question assaults me, I usually undo my hard work--translating the "So What Now?" into "So What?" Regressing, binging on food, yes, even drinking too much, I end up losing the ground I have gained. Like Sysiphus and the rock, I find myself at the bottom and with no other way to quench the burning hunger for fulfillment, I again put my hopes in the climb upwards.

That eternal "so what next?" belies a deeper and more painful question: "What's the point?" And while I may subconsciously wrestle with that, I feel I must not even entertain it--because finding none, I may cease to try anything at all and abandon my long and short term hopes into meaninglessness and despair.

But NOW, before the rock again rolls down the hill and I plunge again into the pit with it, I feel I must entertain the question: "What now?"

"What now?" This perpetual question. The symptom of the impermanence of our joy and achievement on earth. The need for fulfillment is perpetual in this life. I can never satisfy it. Sure, I can try to fill that need with short-term, fleeting pleasures, stringing them one after another. But the hole, the emptiness remains.

Lord, help me...

June 11, 2009 9:45 p.m.

Perhaps in some ways, I don't want my accumulated efforts to disappear into the past. I want my work to be eternal and satisfying. This crushing burden I have laid upon my shoulders is to achieve fulfillment in my minor and worldly hopes. As good as they may be, they are temporal and cannont bear the weight of eternity. Nothing that I do can.

Praised be Jesus Christ, who accomplished all things. Because He is eternal, and because He made me for eternity, I have a deep longing for eternal satisfaction. But in placing my hopes in my own accomplishments and in worldly blessings ("I'll be happy when...the house sells, I'm back in my old jeans, we're all on a good schedule, I'm on better terms with so-&-so"), I am missing the POINT, and sabotaging my own search for happiness in the Christian life!

I am not made for my own eternal accomplishments, but for membership in the Body of Christ. Sharing in His accomplishments, and giving my mite (Mk 12:42) each day in service of Him, I make my life a living sacrifice, and ignoring the accolades and realizing that I can do nothing apart from Christ, and if I accomplish anything, it is only through Him!

So, unlike poor Sysiphus whose rock rolled back to the bottom of the hill each day, I must understand that it is no rock I carry for eternity, but my daily cross!--Nay, He and I carry it together. He promised "My yoke is easy and my burden, light" Matthew 11:30. I need not bear the weight of eternity, but only of this moment. I need not be concerned with a daily routine to last the whole year long, but with today's work. TODAY, I must take up my cross and follow him.

Mother Theresa once said, "God does not ask us to be successful; He asks us to be faithful." My true and lasting hope is that I may remain faithful (Revelation 2:10). God, give me the grace to remain with you on the Vine. (John 15:4)

And thank you for taking the burden of eternity from me, accomplishing all things, and giving me a share, an inheritance, the gift of Eternal, abundant Life. How can I respond with anything less than my all?