So, It's been a while...

Today is a big day.. My brother in law turned 30, my sister got engaged, and I am blogging! Unfortunately, I don't have much to say.. Or maybe it is better said that I have too much to say. The double unfortunate thing is that I can't seem to organize my thoughts lately. Perhaps it is because the "hats" I'm wearing as a mom, a sister, a friend, and with my new job are leaving me without much time to think... I feel there is a lot percolating and not a lot to say.

I've actually caught myself, mid-sentence in a conversation, with no idea what I am going to say next. It's rather embarrassing. I have to pretend that I got distracted, when really I just got lost. I suppose this may be the way that God is answering my prayer to stop having to talk all of the time... When you consistently lose your stream of thought, sometimes it is better to stay on the shore!

I do have one thought to share.. Actually it is not mine, but I'm sure that the priest who told me wouldn't mind my sharing. I sometimes struggle with frustration and anger (big shock) with my children, and I find that I get it trouble when I respond to them that way. Because:

1. They get angry back.
2. They think (maybe not so coherently), "Mom's just mad because she doesn't get to do what she wants (like sit in peace) right now." When I want them to think, "I really goofed. I may not like it, but Mom is right--I need to do better."
3. I teach them that they only need to listen when I am angry. I don't stay calm and get results.

So, Father Smarty gave me the tip in confession this weekend that when I wonder if I am sinning when I discipline, I should examine NOT my feelings (angry, frustrated, etc.) when I am disciplining, but my motivation. Selfish and grudging feelings, stemming from not getting to sleep or to blog or to have a clean/quiet/perfect house (you know, not getting things my way) lead to angry parenting, where concern for the child's virtue and character and FUTURE leads to holy and far more effective parenting.

So far I've discovered that most of the time I correct my kids because their behavior is bothering me--and the focus of my discipline is to get them to stop NOW so that they stop bugging me! I guess I have a bit of work to do to change the focus of my discipline from stopping behavior to changing hearts.

That's all I have for now.. Pray for me, you guys, because it's a long/fast/crazy month I have ahead of me, and I need all the help I can get!

Grudge Not, Lest Ye Be Grudged

Last week, I happened to catch Fr. John Ricardo's radio show, "Christ is the Answer," on 1150 KWKY when he was talking about the parable of the unforgiving servant. I like that parable, mostly because we had a children's book that I used to read with the story in it, so it is very familiar to me. His meditation on this parable was incredible, and led me to some thoughts about what the Lord is asking from me when it comes to forgiveness. This post won't make much sense to you if you don't know the parable, so here it is, Matthew 18: 21-35:

Then Peter approaching asked him, "Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount [literally 10,000 talents].

Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.' Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan.

When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount [literally 100 denarii]. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, 'Pay back what you owe.'

Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt. Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair.

His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?' Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt.

So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart."

Father Ricardo was giving some historical background that got my attention. A denarius (singular for denarii) was worth a day's wage, so the "unforgiving servant" was owed 100 denarii or over 3 months wages. No small amount! However, a talent was a unit that was equal to about 600 denarii, which would make the 10,000 talents equal to about 6,000,000 days' wages, or 16,438 years. If you made $40,000 a year, that would be like owing $657,532,000.

So, the debt forgiven by the Master ($657,532,000) was an unpayable debt, and the debtor's promise to repay it was as empty as they come. A slave could be sold for about 200 denarii, and even with all of the labor that the servant could give in 83 years of life, he would still fall significantly short, about 16,355 years short, of repaying the debt he owed. Jesus was making the point that his "tortures" would last forever, since the debt could not be repayed.

On the other hand, the debt that was called in by the "unforgiving servant" was not unpayable. 3 months' wages would have been a difficult debt to repay... That would be like making $40,000 a year and having some delinquent owe you $10,000. But if someone were to buckle down, he could repay it in a few years.

This parable, and Father Ricardo's meditation on it, got me thinking about Jesus' maxim: "Judge not, lest ye be judged." What is judging if it is not "Standing on your rights to proclaim, even in your heart, that someone else has done wrong he had no right to do and should repay the debt he owes and/or repair the damage he caused." This maxim is the teaching of Jesus that we are NOT to do that. We are NOT to stand on our rights, nor are we to demand repayment.

Well, it's not exactly true, we CAN stand on our rights, but it is foolish and dangerous to do so. Others may greatly harm us, hurt us, injure us, embarrass us cruelly, infringe on our space, slander us, persecute us, or even kill us, but the debt we owe is infinitely greater. While others may become indebted to us by taking and infringing on our rights, we are FINITE and our rights are limited when it comes to our fellow creatures. The debt we owe to our Creator and our King, however, is holiness and perfect obedience. He has the right to be our master because he is the only reason we even exist! The original debt of sin we have inherited, compounded by our personal sins we commit, lead us all to fall short of what we owe to God: an unpayable debt.

In this parable, the Master forgives the enormous debt owed to Him, but does He just write it off as a loss for tax purposes? We know that the Master does not write off the debt, but pays it Himself (more precisely, through His Son). This would be like being in forclosure on your house and having the banker selling himself, (taking the form of a slave) and satisfying your debt. He does not stand on his rights, and take your home, but absorbs the loss into himself and pays your mortgage for you--times ten billion.

So with such a great load of debt lifted from us, shall we be like that unforgiving servant and stand on our rights against our fellow servants? When Jesus taught us to pray the "Our Father," he taught, "Forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Very clearly he teaches that our expectation of forgiveness from God MUST be accompanied by a commitment to forgive others. None of us would ever want the Lord to stand on his rights and call in our debt... so let's grudge not, lest we be grudged!

SOLD!

News from the front: the contingency was officially removed this morning at 11am. When the Lord opens a window, sometimes he opens it WIDE. We'll close July 24th.

"What Now?"

(A Peek at My Prayer Journal)

June 4, 2009 10:04 p.m.

I have to understand that my longing for the complete and the perfect is not a bad longing, but just ultimately not satisfyable this side of death. The inbox won't be empty, I will never be able to sustain a perfect balance, and I can never clean my kitchen "once and for all."

I worked hard today--and it was a pretty good day. But I realized that my desire to achieve perfection here--in my house, in my body, even in my relationships--ultimately leaves me cold.

It's like how I wanted the college scholarship so badly--and I got it--and yet it gave me no lasting joy and plenty of heartache. 1st team All-State? I remember how surprised i was at how empty the laurels felt. I had placed my hope in achieving great things in volleyball, and I did, but even in my highest achievement there was always the aching question: "So what now?"

Now I am beginning to see how I still, more subtly, place my hopes in my achievements in this stage of my life: a well-regulated day, a clean home, good meals, healthy meals, consistent parenting, and yet I know that if, and/or when, I achieve any of it, I will only be left with that burning question: "So what now?"

When that question assaults me, I usually undo my hard work--translating the "So What Now?" into "So What?" Regressing, binging on food, yes, even drinking too much, I end up losing the ground I have gained. Like Sysiphus and the rock, I find myself at the bottom and with no other way to quench the burning hunger for fulfillment, I again put my hopes in the climb upwards.

That eternal "so what next?" belies a deeper and more painful question: "What's the point?" And while I may subconsciously wrestle with that, I feel I must not even entertain it--because finding none, I may cease to try anything at all and abandon my long and short term hopes into meaninglessness and despair.

But NOW, before the rock again rolls down the hill and I plunge again into the pit with it, I feel I must entertain the question: "What now?"

"What now?" This perpetual question. The symptom of the impermanence of our joy and achievement on earth. The need for fulfillment is perpetual in this life. I can never satisfy it. Sure, I can try to fill that need with short-term, fleeting pleasures, stringing them one after another. But the hole, the emptiness remains.

Lord, help me...

June 11, 2009 9:45 p.m.

Perhaps in some ways, I don't want my accumulated efforts to disappear into the past. I want my work to be eternal and satisfying. This crushing burden I have laid upon my shoulders is to achieve fulfillment in my minor and worldly hopes. As good as they may be, they are temporal and cannont bear the weight of eternity. Nothing that I do can.

Praised be Jesus Christ, who accomplished all things. Because He is eternal, and because He made me for eternity, I have a deep longing for eternal satisfaction. But in placing my hopes in my own accomplishments and in worldly blessings ("I'll be happy when...the house sells, I'm back in my old jeans, we're all on a good schedule, I'm on better terms with so-&-so"), I am missing the POINT, and sabotaging my own search for happiness in the Christian life!

I am not made for my own eternal accomplishments, but for membership in the Body of Christ. Sharing in His accomplishments, and giving my mite (Mk 12:42) each day in service of Him, I make my life a living sacrifice, and ignoring the accolades and realizing that I can do nothing apart from Christ, and if I accomplish anything, it is only through Him!

So, unlike poor Sysiphus whose rock rolled back to the bottom of the hill each day, I must understand that it is no rock I carry for eternity, but my daily cross!--Nay, He and I carry it together. He promised "My yoke is easy and my burden, light" Matthew 11:30. I need not bear the weight of eternity, but only of this moment. I need not be concerned with a daily routine to last the whole year long, but with today's work. TODAY, I must take up my cross and follow him.

Mother Theresa once said, "God does not ask us to be successful; He asks us to be faithful." My true and lasting hope is that I may remain faithful (Revelation 2:10). God, give me the grace to remain with you on the Vine. (John 15:4)

And thank you for taking the burden of eternity from me, accomplishing all things, and giving me a share, an inheritance, the gift of Eternal, abundant Life. How can I respond with anything less than my all?

God's Will, Revealed

So, two and a half years ago, we decided to sell our house. We knew that Matt wasn't happy at his job, and we also knew we needed some $$ for him to feel free enough to resign. Our house sold in 3 weeks. We had 60 days to decide where to go.

We settled on a 3 bedroom duplex straight out of the 70s. Then Leah was born. Then we decided that in order for Matt to know if he wanted to be a builder when he grows up, he should build a house and see if he likes it. So we did.

So then the question became: What now? We continued to save $$, trying to get that 6 month security net ready. 8 months later, and approximately 2 days after securing the 6 month saftey net we were aiming for, Matt's employer forced his hand and laid off the whole design center. A week later, the "for sale" sign went up in the snowbank.

Waiting and waiting, while Matt found odd jobs here and there, we still did not know where to go or what to do, but we had our "daily bread" and we were making ends meet. At the beginning of April, some puzzle pieces appeared to be falling into place: Bob the builder, who helped us build our house so that it wouldn't fall down in a strong breeze or leak at the seams, met with us and laid out a plan for Matt to go into business with him: building and general construction work.

The same week, I discovered an opening at our church. I met with our pastor and talked about my vision for our faith formation/religious education program, and the role that I could take in a part-time position as a Director with a part-time assistant. He seemed very receptive. He began to take steps to get the idea approved, including interviewing several other people who applied for the position. My job, again, was to wait and see.

So exactly 2 months went by, and the "plan" that we thought we could finally see again became obscured by the difficulties of waiting patiently.

Well, yesterday, the clouds parted. I was offered the job at our church, and I am just thrilled. My lovely assistant, Liz, and I will be working hard to make the Good Shepherd catechists and children a supportive and well-prepared environment to work in. I hope to attend a conference in July to help me get my ducks in a row about how to do all of the DRE stuff. I have to say that 2 months to the day (from Holy Thursday), and being day 9 of a novena to St. Joseph, and being our 8th anniversary, it was a day of gifts.

I had prayed that the Lord God would close the doors that need closing, and open the ones that lead to HIM. I pray that we will always follow HIS Will, and not ours. I pray that Matt will never again have to sit through a weekly "team meeting" and will find work that serves the Lord and is worthy of his effort and passion. Let it be done unto us according to your Will, Lord. You are so good to us.

Works for me!!

I think I will try to post "Works for me" posts every now and again, because I find them so helpful in other blogs. This week, I want to focus on a nice little idea I picked up from my sister, who picked it up from Sadie, at wildcatkids (also a friend of mine!) The idea is to get your children to get into a morning and evening routine without a whole lot of teeth-pulling difficulty and without getting too complicated thus sharing the same fate as the stickers, chore charts, and stars accumulation cards, and other such phenomena that started with a blaze of glory but ended all too quickly.
.

So the girls helped me make up these little popsicle sticks with blue, green, and red tips (one color for each big girl). On each stick, I wrote one job that they need to do before getting started with our day and before going to bed at night. Here are Emma's: Once the popsicle sticks are all finished, the girls will put them colored tip UP in the glass, and then they are free to do other things (like color or go outside in the morning, or play a game of hide and seek with Mommy and Daddy at night).


I am beginning to add other jobs to the list.. Like "change loads" (of laundry) and "ez-vac the kitchen." They let me know the jobs they hate (like tidying the basement) and sometimes I give all of them the same job so that they can work together. Sometimes I'll give them "tidying the basement" and it will be mostly done and they'll get the satisfaction of last night's effort (and realize that they can stop making work for themselves if they just keep it clean!)

I would say that it's been about a year since I started this. It has phased in and out a few times, but is very simple to start up again (even when we slack off for a while).. I drew pictures on them so that the 3 year old can "read" her own. It makes for a much smoother morning, that's for sure.

.

Of all the child-rearing tricks of the trade I have picked up, this one is the clear winner:

.

It is child-led (because they can figure out on their own what they are to do).

It is NOT consumable (I've used the same sticks for a year).

It is NOT complicated (the hardest part was BUYING the sticks).

It is Flexible (I can change jobs whenever I want--no body gets "cleaning out the dishwasher" if it is dirty! And I can make new sticks for Leah when she's a bit bigger!)

It is NOT subjective--or at least it's harder for the child to see that it is (if the jobs are done and the colored sticks are up, you can play! It's hard for a child to have a power struggle with wooden sticks, though they may try).

It is CHEAP!

.

So that's what works for me. What works for you?

Oh, I am so excited!!

I found a new blog that I just love. But first a little background. I have been spending my time lately trying to figure out how I should be spending my time. I mean, I've probably got less than 60 years left, and there are some things that I hope to have figured out by the time I check out.

One of them is "Why should I WANT to get up in the morning?" I have been struggling with that one since I turned 11. I made a deal with myself lately that 7am is MY wake up time, but I almost need to hire someone to pull me out of bed (like George Jetson) and get me going in the morning.

Another one is: How can I keep my duties as a mom, as a woman, as a volunteer, as a wife from overwhelming me? This one hit me after the thousandth marathon cleaning session that left me exhausted (and led to me taking a long break that resulted in a messy house again). Flylady.net has helped me a lot with this, but it is sometimes so hard to WANT to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not just veg out.

And the last one, loosly related to the other two: What should I be doing with my life each day? Or, since I am a MOM: What should I be doing with our lives each day? I think that perhaps my sleep addiction and even my (sometimes) chaotic life lies underneath that search for the "shoulds" and "why should 'I's" of my life.

Well, sometimes when I am really needing an answer, I ask my friend Google. This was what I got:

http://momandkiddo.blogspot.com/

subtitle: What do we do all day?

Funny thing: I noticed that this weekend I found no trouble getting out of bed after 5-1/2 hours of sleep because I had something "urgent" to do. I think that the trouble is that I need a wake up call to make me realize that this day-in, day-out, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other life that I lead is important, too...

I can take a deep breath and not worry too much because I can't ruin the girls with a bad day here or there, BUT I can't make them turn out fantastic with a wonderful day here or there, either. It's the general attitude, the daily grind, that determines my life and my character, not the super high or super low points.

That's why I like that blog (and the blogs of people I know, too)... it's simply life. I guess that's what I am searching and praying for... Abundant life, everyday.. Not just roller coaster highs and lows, but a sustained peace, joy, and fruitfulness.

It may take me 60 good years to figure that out...